Tuesday, May 2, 2017

5 Reasons You Can't Pick Up Girls & How to Fix It

OKies . . . all my single guy friends . . .

My entire Facebook feed the last few days is DREADFUL!!! 
Guys you need to understand how not to turn off women with a single status update! And good lord, try harder when you don't know me and you're hitting up my inbox. I think it's awesome you put yourself out there, it's scary, it's hard, gj, thank you for reaching out, even if I say no.
So from some generalized excerpts from the last 3 days of my facebook feed and inbox, this is how they're interpreted by the chicks you wanna bang. Y'all need some protips.
This is judgmental face

1.) He says: "EFF everyone cuz this bad thing happened and everyone is agaisnt me"
She hears: "I blame other people for my problems because I'd rather be a victim and have pity than actually realize my own actions put me on the spiral that lead me here."
2.)He says: "I'm so pathetically lonely omg someone help"
She hears: "I'm a pity whore and really believe the only way you will be interested in me and keep talking is if you feel bad because I have nothing else going on."
3.)"OMG can't believe these people did this stuff behind my back"
She hears: " I make bad decisions and have shady. I run with drug addicts and broke people because that is where I fit in best."
4.) "my baby momma who works 3 jobs bought some crap I can't afford so I know she's wasting my child support"
She hears: "I have no respect for women, or what it costs to parent a child. I didn't even know where the daycare was til my kid was 5. I don't understand how much it actually costs to raise the children I only see 4 days a month and don't save my own money, I just blame her because I have to pay a share of the bills. My irresponsibility and disrespect is why she left in the first place."
5.) Your opening line is "girl you're so hot/sexy/pretty/amazing/adorable I wanna get to know you are you single?"
She hears: "i'm pushy and just wanna know if you're dtf" She's immediately on guard. And there is no response to "you're so pretty" "thanks yes I used my special leave in conditioner and face cake high lighters from Mad cosmetics in Tennessee ?"
Pro Tips for picking up chicks:
A.) Quit blaming other people for your problems. Even if the first step is away from the person that hurt you, it's still your job to take it.
B.) You need better friends.
C.) Grow a back bone and some self esteem. Don't tell her you're a loser, make her figure it out. Talk about trends in science, news, cars, sports, hobbies, something ANYTHING else besides how desperate you are and how your ex did you wrong.
D.)Replace your opening lines with things that require a response and show that you're interested in a conversation. Some of the best nights of my life were spent just talking with some really hot guy. After hours of conversation and drinks we never exchanged numbers, just enjoyed the moment. Quit focusing so hard on the outcome and enjoy getting to know her.
Good online openers "hey I saw your last photo, I didn't know you liked to skateboard!?" "I saw you went to MSU, what was your degree in"
Good real life openers?? Here's a great trick. Play some trivia game on your phone with your friends. Turn and ask the girl behind you if she knows the answer. Go back to your game." Walk up like you know her and ask simple questions, what she thinks of the bar, the commercial playing on the tv, the sportsball game. She can't make conversation about her face.
E.)Don't walk around the bar shooting for anything that will have you, don't stare around looking for targets. It looks sad and scary.
F.)If finding people is difficult, go places you like being, go with people you like being with. You seldom make lasting connections from chance encounters.
G.)If child support is really so expensive you can't eat, get a better job. Spend your money more wisely, or . . . GASP . . . take joint custody with your kids so you pay less child support and learn how expensive shit like daycare, diapers, sitters, car seats, Halloween costumes, and Dr.'s appointments really are.
G.)The friend zone is really just that she's not interested in sex with you. Either she doesn't realize you want to bang and thinks you're her friend because she is actually a worthy and intelligent human being, or she thinks you're sweet but unattractive. Yep. Unattractive. It's hard to tell someone you don't wanna bang them but still enjoy their friendship. She's being nice. She doesn't owe you anything. Anything you gave her without making your intentions known are rightfully hers. You gave, she accepted. Either move on or lose some weight, take a shower, get in shape, quit drinking so much, quit whining, get a job... whatever it is that's alienating women . . . FIX IT.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Poi - trying again after 10 years

Very excited to give this another go. Not festival kid good, but i can't wait to learn more stuff.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Catching Up on the Arts

I was briefly living in interesting times and chose to skip out on the posting of my creative endeavors and adventures.  Perhaps it is time to play a little catch up.

I'll get started with the creative stuff. A few paintings of some very close friends.
My painting of AK

My Painting of Frosty

 And my favorite upcycle project of the last year. Tiny Grown Up had a class project to make a musical instrument out of a box, and some rubber bands.  We decided to stretch the instructions to our liking and turn it into a real found object art project.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Florida 2016

Took a road trip to see family in Florida. Went to Fort Meyer, Wiggins Pass, Naples, Islands of Adventure & Universal Orlando, and Flagler Beach.

The ride South was spent in good company. Crocheted and listened to some fun music.  We of course had to keep occupied with terrible humor and fun conversation.

My thunderbird:
This guy has been following me since Arizona

One of the flowers I crocheted 

Took my Tiny Grown Up to her first waffle house experience. The food was delicious and service was amazing.
The food was delicious and the service was fantastic!

We knew we had arrived when:

Florida State Welcome Sign

We tried Bonita Springs but the water was strange and green from the draining of Lake Okeechobee.  On the plus side the sand and water were teeming with life. A handful of sand could yield several dozen living mussels.  Sand dollars coated the gulf floor. 

Tiny Grown Up learning about nature

watching the storm roll in

The next 2 days were spent with AK's family at Wiggins Pass State Park.  I was very impressed. The beaches there were very well maintained, there was ample parking, and the vendors were kept off the beach and in the large parking areas.  The bathrooms were clean and easily accessible. The water was clear and smooth as glass.  It was not secluded but neither was it too busy.   Of course there was the requisite perfect white sand.  Plenty of shells for the kids to play with.  There were sea grapes, and other vegetation along the dune line instead of hotels and concrete. I would definitely visit this park again.

On day 2 we rented paddle boards and spent several hours paddling around. We sat on our boards watching the storm surrounding us on every side.  The rain was coming down in every direction but we were in a perfectly sunny spot. As we sat and watched the storm we realized we were leaving a wake behind us being pulled further out!  We had wound up paddling out too far, getting swept into the current,  and moving out toward sea much faster than intended.   

It took quite a long time to paddle back into shore where we discovered our friends had already left. Apparently the storm had even hit the beach where we started while we remained sunny and dry! Fortunately my quick thinking Tiny Grown Up decided to leave our keys in our cooler and take the rest of our stuff to prevent it getting too wet.  So we stayed for a while and played in the water. 


We made a stop in Orlando to visit Universal Studios Orlando and Islands of Adventure. The new Harry Potter theme sections of the parks was genuinely amazing but I'll pass on the butter beer.  It took 4 of us (3 adults and one child) to almost finish one Butterbeer. The flavor was very good, but there was so much sugar I think we all had a mild case of diabetic fatigue after sharing most of one.

Hogwarts Express with the BFF4Eva and my Tiny Grown Up
Drinking a frozen Butterbeer.
Apparently Duff Beer is delicious.
(Duff Dry won our personal taste test)
The last stop was Flagler Beach. We received a historical tour of the John Anderson Highway and Tomoka State Park area. And had a wonderful chance to check out the local wild life.  Wavecat and his lovely wife live right next to a state park and encounter tons of wild life right in their own back yard.

 Dinosaur Bunny . . . or Armadillo if you prefer
How to build a Florida Rope Swing
OG WaveCat with his hog skull collection. 

I kinda love Banana Spiders

And some of the more interesting personal history as well. Apparently WaveCat was gifted a Burton board before snowboards were a thing!

My OG WaveCat Showing AK an old school snow board.

 Flagler has grown quite a lot in the years since my last visit, but it still maintains that small town appeal.   We went body surfing,  surfing,  and skim boarding in the small Atlantic waves.

Tiny Grown Up after her first surfing excursion.

Flagler Beach at its finest.
After the beach we went and got cleaned up and went to dinner at the Flagler Fish Company.  Every bite was absolutely divine.  We tried the Steamed Muscles, the Shrimp Cocktail, Blackened Grouper, Tuna Salad, Seared Tuna Steak, and Crab legs. We had the Asiago Potatoes and Green beans, the and the sauteed spinach as our sides.

After dinner it was time for a midnight swim under the full moon. WaveCat took us back to the beach for a short excursion.  The water was still warm and the weather perfect for a little dip to end an awesome adventure. 

The trip home was less eventful. We were all exhausted from our adventures and ready for a little personal space.  

We stopped at Abbot Farms for peaches and jam on the way back. 

I purchased a bag of delicious freestone peaches, a jar of pickled okra, and a jar of no sugar added peach preserves. All are absolutely grand.  The peaches were not as soft and ripe as the road side stands of my youth but still very flavorful. 

AK had never tried pickled okra before, they don't do that sort of thing up north I guess. So I offered him a pickle and he was quite excited until he noticed it was okra.  

And we didn't have time to stop here.
GPS sent us home a different route that allowed us to bypass the majority of 75 (avoiding Jacksonville, Atlanta, and Lexington traffic) and this route was definitely nicer than the ride down.  The view was gorgeous! We wound through the mountains all afternoon and made our way out of the mountains just as the sun was setting.
Sunset over the Mountains in Tennessee

Saturday, January 31, 2015

Better Feminists Watch Porn

Dear Lady Friends,

I hear many of you saying things about society being broken because it promotes skinny, you should be able to eat what you want and still be beautiful. I hear you say that photographs of women that have not been altered are feminism. And then I see you buying up all these magazines with altered pictures of women you then go home and feel depressed you don't look like or something.


These skinny models are made for WOMEN we are the ones buying their pictures, we are the ones commenting that Miss Hotmodelinsertname has gained 3 pounds. We are the ones reading article titled “How These 17 Actresses Saved Their Career With A Haircut!” and “Lose 7 Pounds in 10 Days!” Most the men I know don't care about five or ten or 15 pounds cuz chances are your boobs got bigger too. Are you still hanging out, having sex, and trying occasionally to impress him? Did you get him to drop his motorcycle maintenance magazine to come for a quick romp? Have you dressed in that little outfit he likes so much just to show him you still want him? He may not have even noticed the 5 pounds. Porn stars are usually heavier than super models. According to the info I found, the average porn star is 117 lbs at 5'5" and the most commonly reported bra size? Sit down for this. It was 34 B. MILF is the second most popular porn search term. Those women often have a visible scar, or butt zit, or acne. The average super model? 110-130 pounds at 5'11.

Now, with that said: Let me tell you what feminism is and isn't.

Feminism IS: supporting your sisters.
Feminism IS Eating healthy, working out, and loving your HEALTHY body whatever size it is.
Feminism IS teaching our daughters to have a balanced healthy diet and make good choices.
Feminism IS wearing clothing that cover you in an attractive and flattering way.
Feminism IS teaching our sons to be strong and intelligent and respectful.

Feminism is NOT wearing a mini-skirt and heels then complaining when men look at you. I would stare at any man in the same outfit and roll my eyes a little.

Feminism IS wearing that damned miniskirt and feeling good knowing all those dumb bastards want you. And not giving a shit about their opinion.

Feminism is NOT teaching our sons to be self loathing & sex fearing.
Feminism is NOT embracing and replicating the worst stereotypes of Men.
Feminism is NOT doing gross things with bodily fluids. Yeah really we would be grossed out if a dude was bleeding from his nose or penis no matter how natural it may be. Blood is GROSS when it isn't yours. Suck it up.
Feminism is NOT eating 5 bacon double cheeseburgers and two milk shakes because you can.
Feminism is NOT putting your body at risk of malnutrition working your way to a heart attack any more than it is working out stop and starving yourself on a diet of cabbage and vitamins.
Feminism is NOT blaming society because you can't reach standards of beauty that you helped create by giving your hard earned dollars to magazines that photoshop their models.
Feminism is NOT buying into Cosmo, 17, and Elle, paying for their product then accusing men of creating this image.
Feminism is NOT whispering to your sig-o after a party about all the weight Friendyouhavenot Seeninalongtime has gained.
Feminism is NOT alienating other moms because they make different choices.
Feminism is NOT alienating women who enjoy their sexuality. No man taught me to enjoy having an orgasm. That happened naturally.

Feminism IS being strong, being sexual, being healthy. It is raising our daughters AND sons to love their bodies, their intelligence, their capabilities, their sexuality. It is being their when our friends need us.

So if you really want to be a good feminist, watch porn with your hubby instead of buying that next fashion magazine.

Next time you catch your hubby jerking off to Elle or Cosmo I will let you tell me I am wrong.

Friday, December 5, 2014

33 And I Don't Look a Day Over 40

So today is my birthday.  My 33rd Birthday.  I think that is a good number. 33 sounds like a lucky number if I ever heard one.  33 is the number of manifestations of Avalokitesvara. Avalokitesvara decided to make an appearance on my mantle this year.  3 days before Bodhi day.  My hubby decided to bring me a long desired Quan Yin.  Yes yes, take away the desire, but alas I have long been coveting a particular statue.
It looks like Buddha Claus will be visiting my house this year,

I Ching:
33 is heaven over mountain.
General: It is not an admission of defeat to retreat from an unequal fight.
Love: Take the time to strengthen your position when considering engaging in a fight with your partner.
Business: Rethink your position and strategy before reentering negotiations. Do not compromise just because it is quicker to do so.
Personal: Don't ignore issues but formulate an effective strategy before attempting to deal with it. Avoid destructive confrontations.  

Tao Te Ching Chapter 33
Knowing others is wisdom;
Knowing the self is enlightment.
Mastering others requires force;
Mastering the self needs strength.

He who knows he has enough is rich.
Perseverance is a sign of will power.
He who stays where he is endures.
To die but not to perish is to be eternally present.
                   -  Lao Tzu 

The Tao de Ching and I ching seem to believe I should learn to chose my battles wisely. I agree.

32 has been a crazy year. If you know me well, you know why. There have been rescue puppies, holes in my walls, fights, kisses, hugs, rainbow loom bracelets, Judy Moody, new friendships, lost friendships, old friendships.  I have been attacked and held hostage in the woods, sent to the ER by my employer, lost my job because of it, gone back to school.  I have played D&D and hosted a BBQ. I have crocheted snowmen and beards and sewn robots and unicorns. I celebrated my first anniversary, watched a meteor shower over my sister's wedding, captured a giant water bug, and well, stuff. Lots of frigging stuff.

I have not been the greatest friend this year.  To be honest I suck at friends regardless of the year. I don't mean to. I love so deeply that I am terrified of conflict. I often care so much I am terrified to admit how I feel and lose friends for not allowing them to ever know how deeply I care. It would be a laugh to pretend I am not a bitchy kitty, that I don't give too much information, distrust strangers, fear emotional conversations. I am imperfect at best, more insensitive than I should be.  I'm not always there for people when I should be. I have to be told that I am needed, because why would someone need a loser like me.  I especially suck at hugs.  I really suck at hugs. I am the one armed pulling away hug girl. I know this.  It involves touching.  I suck at touching.  I have to consciously create touch time with my partner. I have to make myself aware that a child needs cuddles. I have to remind myself to pet the dog.  I am a space alien walking among people wondering how they make friends, and open up, share their true feelings. I doubt I will ever truly understand. I sometime want to open up, to be honest, to know what it is like to be close to someone, open, free.  I really suck at that.  And I accept that about me.  I wish I was better at all of the things, but other people aren't my strong point.  I suck at being loved, I suck at accepting compliments.  The people that love me know. And they tell me when I am needed.  I like that. I like being needed.  It means I can show my love through acts of service to those I love most! Thank you to the people in my life that have not been afraid to say "Hey bitch, you have to show up! This is your job today."

Ok so in light of Bodhi day, In light of Mindfulness day.  In light of the light of enlightenment, wisdom, compassion, love . . .  Here today are 33 things this bitchy kitty is grateful for:

1.) My family.  I was something of an orphan. Kinda. I married a man, and in so doing married into the kind of family I dreamed of having when I was a child.  I have cousins and aunts and uncles. I have teachers that have offered to adopt me. I have Carol Kurtz and Deb Goro.  I have a family that grows with every passing year.  They are what makes me strong.
2.) Strong women. Strong women like Maya Angelou, Ellen Degeneres, Kathie Dunbar, Belinda Thurston, Christie Cohen, Sarah Hillman. Women who change the world by existing.  The sheer strength of Character, the depth of their hearts . . . Laughter that fills your heart with strength.
3.) My ridiculous ability to save for later and run under a budget without trying.
4.) Dawn. It's pronounced Daw-hn. She is my devils advocate. The single person that loves me enough to argue no matter how right I think I am. If I ever question my true motives, I run it by Dawn and if I still feel the same after our conversation, I believe myself.
5.) My daughter. She has taught me strength that I never knew I was capable of.  She taught me to be a pillar, a fortress.  I am capable of so much more than I ever believed and if it weren't for her, I would never have known.  I'm not the best mom.  I'm not perfect. I don't manage to simultaneously bake cookies infused with extra vitamins and whole grains and broccoli extract while encouraging her to exercise daily, love her body, and tutor her in math.  I have t.v. days, craft days, bike days, sleeping late days, christmas decoration days, library days, every days, real days, mad days, happy days.  But every day is an I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH day.

6.) Petty Tyrants. I am grateful for Petty Tyrants because they have taught me strength in the face of adversity, to stand up for what I know is right, to believe in myself despite the smoke and mirrors. ( I highly recommend looking up this concept: Petty Tyrants, Carlos Castaneda.)
"My benefactor used to say that a warrior who stumbles on a petty tyrant is a lucky one."--Don Juan
7.) Jack Off Jill, Fiona Apple, and Stabbing Westward. They have seen me through every fight, every break up, every relationship of my dating life.
8.) My Dogs. They tell me life could be worse every day.  EVERY DAY.  Every day I laugh because dogs. No matter how many costumes we stick them in, they still love us best.

9.) Sir Terry Pratchett. This man has saved me from the darkest moments of my life. Many many moons ago, this book appeared in my house. No one knew where it came from, It didn't belong to any of my friends.  I put it away up stairs, it appeared on my shelf downstairs again. I put it upstairs, it ended up on my coffee table. After 6 months I said aloud, "Fine I will read you!" And I laughed out loud so many times. I have since read almost every novel he has written.   I have had the fortune of sharing this love with my husband and daughter.  Who wouldn't love a Nac Mac Feegle.
10.) Buddhism.  I have never believed strongly in anything. God is like Cheese. If I know it exists, what the hell am I going to worship it for!? Buddhism has brought me close to the faith I abandoned at 13.  They told me I was a sinner because of the original sin.  Buddha reminds me that we must walk the paths for ourselves, individual accountability.   Jesus came to teach us to live like him. Tolerance, acceptance, kindness. Buddha has reminded me of the love I once had.
11.) Painting. I am not the best painter, but it feels so wonderful. I will never be the best painter.  But it is like meditation for me.  I reflect, feel, learn while I paint. Each painting has its own lesson, its own soul.  I love painting/ Regardless the outcome.

12.) My mother.  I don't speak to her, but I am grateful that she has taught me so many lessons in this life.  Every fight, every sorrow, every hardship, every unrequited love has combined to make this person I am today.  I will love her every day of my life even if I don't speak to her.
13.)  Nate K.  My closest and most frustrating friend for 2 decades.  Thank goodness he finally learned to internet.
14.) Britton G.  The oranges to my apples. The polar opposite same love. The person in your life that makes you jealous while never being able to be jealous because you love them so much and are just so different.  She has put up with me for 20 years now and that is an amazing task.  She is truly a beautiful woman.  Every day I envy her life and love her for living it. I am so glad to have met her beautiful self.
15.) Christie R.C.  This girl has my back when everyone else tells me I am crazy.  She can love me and call me out on bull shit and support me when I need it. Christie is strong and beautiful and as kind as she is ferocious.  It is so wonderful to meet people that are true and honest Christians. People that love, understand loyalty, and don't judge you for hard times.

16.) Mary Wilson Dittbenner.  My grandmother was one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. She was loving in a way that I can only aspire to be, I hope that in time I am capable of loving as deeply as she was.  She loved me at my greatest and she loved me at my lowest.  When she was very old, the last time I saw her before she passed away I asked her many questions.  One of the was whether she had ever hated anyone in her life. She admitted to hating her mother in law. . . But what did I witness in her treatment of this women she allegedly hated? When this woman lay dying, my grandmother was there daily to cook her meals and change her bedding.  She will forever be the woman I aspire to be.  The first female graduate from Daytona Beach's Techinical, Institute.  A seamstress, a single mother in the 60's, a business owner.  She will always be my hero.
17.) Netflix. I can not find anything I want for $12 a month instead of $120.  All the most terrible sequels need a place to live, don't they?
18.)Lake Superior. As a little girl my Grandmother,  Mary Wilson Dittbenner,  would read to me a story about Hiawatha.  "By the shores of Gitche Goomee , bny the shining big sea waters." My husband took me camping on the shores of the same lake my grandmother read of 27 years and almost 1500 miles away.    My husband, my daughter and myself walked through water falls, explored beaches, collected rocks, and watched the sunset.  I bought that kid's story for my daughter but I can't make it through without giant walrus tears.

19.) My uncle Dale. When I was a kid, my mother told me he hated me every time I saw him. Maybe he did. I don't know. But since I have become estranged from her, he is the only one of her siblings to remain in contact with me.  I was probably a dick to him in my teens and I may even apologize one day. He is far deeper and more caring than I gave him credit for at 16.
20.) Captain Morgan. 'Cuz every girl needs to kick back with her drink of choice once in a while.
21.) My Sister Emily.  She always gets me the coolest stuff, makes me giggle like a fool, and is just the most wonderful lady.
22.) Coffee. 
23.) The mouth that always gets me in trouble. Yep, I think it is what makes me me. I wish I could lie, not say exactly what I am thinking every minute but . . . I can't. Verbal diarrhea? I have it.   But it is me, and while I might be a bitch, I don't lie. I have not said things I don't believe in in the last 16 years. Unfortunately I have said things that have been painful for other people.  I have said things I shouldn't have.  But I am me, and I love, and I love.  But I suck at it and I am sorry. But I wouldn't trade the tounge that stabs me in the back for a million golden tongues that kept me out of trouble.
24.) Sex.
25.) My Husband. He manages to put up with me. I'm not sure how. I loves him. He is really good at naming the things, all the things. If you want a goofy title, ask him.  We laugh we shout we fight. But we love. It's almost like a fairy tale when all is well.

26.) Cute girl socks. Yep. Just do. I smile every time.
"I have vague feelings about whatever."
27.)  Science. It is making the world a better place one day at a time. Computers, clocks, machinery, television, time, birth control, cameras, fabrics, space . . .
28.) Teacher who care. Have literally made all the difference in my life.  Russ Plein. Frau Graham. <3 p="">
29.) Bleach. Bleach is amazing. If you don't already know. Learn.
30.) Pre packaged grain products. I can't even imagine life if I had to make all my own pretzels and bread.
31.) The means and capacity to learn new things.  For fun my husband and I have decided to learn Thai together. I have returned to school to tackle engineering because psychology was a bore.  I learn to create new things, design new thing, program new thing, and well the truth is without opportunity to learn, life would be unbearable.
32.) Bipolar Disorder. Say what?  Am I kidding? Nope.  I don't have a rapid cycling super insane version of this. I have something called cyclothymia.  While the depression and the lows and the bitchy kitty, terrified to talk to people, can't come out of her shell self might writhe in agony, I get to experience a high that most people don't. I get to firmly believe the world is a beautiful place. i get to see nature, humanity, sex, relationships, family from not only the worst places, but also the best.  While I have to sulk around pouting, I also get to feel completely warmed by the sun, one with the wind, high as the cliffs, and low as the brush.  I  get to feel as beautiful as I feel ugly. I get to feel as high as I do low. It is amazing.  I wish the rest of the world could feel as at one with the sand as I can at the right times.
33.) Yoga. I'm not an expert by any means but the peace I feel and tranquility after yoga are unmatched by any other activity. It requires both  the mind and body to be used fully.